Respect?respect?respect. This is major to a long and successful marriage. All too often, in my practice as a spiritual counselor, Ifind couples have derailed their mutual respect in manysubtle and not-so-subtle ways through their style ofintimacy.They mistakenly believe being married gives them license toget into each other's head. Too many married couples, soonafter tying the knot-or even before-begin to treat eachother the way each one treats him/herself. This is what manyof my clients think intimacy is about.With this style of intimacy, we project on to our spouse allthe demoralizing, self-inflicting wounds we give toourselves. Whatever baggage we carry, we thrust upon ourpartner. Hidden anger, self-doubt, and fear-to identify ourmost common failings-get tossed back and forth between thepartners. In other words, we treat our spouse as badly as wetreat ourselves.It is my impression, we are more kind to strangers. We oughtto treat our spouses as kindly as we treat a stranger.Politeness is not the same as coldness or aloofness.Civility is the beginning of positive intimacy. And thatsort of intimacy is worth internalizing. From treating ourspouse in a kindly fashion, we can learn from our ownbehavior and begin to treat ourselves more kindly. By that,I don't mean pandering ourselves with over-indulgence of ourappetites or by avoiding challenges. I don't mean taking theeasy way out.By exercising kindness to ourselves, we discontinueharboring negative ideas about ourselves. We stop self-judgmental habits; we stop trying to prove we are okay beresorting to perfectionism; we stop nursing past hurts; westop anticipating future insults. And by clearing our mentalhouse of negative self-intimacy, we are then more able andwilling to be kindly disposed to our beloved other. Treating our spouse as politely as we treat a stranger makesfor an easier process when it comes to dealing with issuesand differences. Having grown to be more kind towardourselves, we have learned how to be an observer of ourinner as well as outer behaviors. We become a witness to ouractions and thoughts. We learn to understand ourselvesbetter. And thinking more kindly about ourselves, we haveenabled ourselves to move through our negotiations with ourspouse from a higher perspective. It is as if we werestanding at the top of a mountain looking down and seeingwith more clarity all that is happening below.We have learned to see our emotions from some amount ofdistance, enough to be open to hearing more clearly what theother needs to say. We listen to each other withoutdefending ourselves, without seeking to change the other.Just listening, just hearing without heavy emotionalinvolvement, makes all the difference in the world. This isthe way of polite negotiation. This is the way marriages aresustained, are nurtured, and ripen.Generally, people are attracted to an opposite type. We seein the other characteristics and behaviors we secretly wishwere ours. At first, being with our opposite is a positivedelight. Until it happens-and it generally happens-that eachpartner, to some extent or another, attempts to change theothers habits, behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs. Those veryattributes we were attracted to in the first place begin tothreaten.The honeymoon is over when one partner starts working on theother attempting to get the other to become more like him orher. Because the partner harbors unconscious doubts abouther/himself, because of the negative intimacy the personinflicts on her/himself, the need to change the other-totake on his/her characteristics and attitudes-is a way toalleviate some of that doubt. If she is more like me, then Imust be okay. This is the path to a hostile environment. In such amarriage, delight in each other dries up, the warmth andlove desired evaporates. The partners have a sense of toomany differences separating them from each other. If theypersist in remaining connected, their life becomes one ofquiet desperation. If the two are still civil with eachother, the civility is brittle. There is no kindness, noloving, and caring feeling between them. Many marriagespersist in this manner for various reasons, financial beingthe most prominent.But if each partner practices self-kindness and a detachedwitnessing of self, then each can allow the other the spaceneeded in which to grow. Gradually, the gap betweendifferences narrows; each has shifted somewhat in attitudeand behavior; each has miraculously become more like theother. And then it becomes a joy for the two to be together.Each has realized the pleasure of having become more likethat person they were attracted to in the beginning. Such a ripening can be the consequence of a lengthy andsuccessful marriage. We become more whole. This is why wedo it.__________________________________________________________ Vitae Bergman is an author as well as a teacher in personal development and a spiritual counselor.He can be reached athttp://joyfulnumerology.com
Category : General Marriage
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